New Definition of Summer Madness

They tell me today is the first day of summer. I was talking to a friend on the phone while he bought ingredients for cupcakes that he planned to take to a summer solstice party tonight.

So, whether you’re celebrating summer with a facebook status or with a full-on rager, enjoy the day!

I’ve been thinking about how I "celebrate" summer. For me, it’s not summer until…

The car gets inspected.
The cat goes to the vet.
I’ve reserved some books at the library.
I’ve taken a load to Goodwill and/or Edward McKay.
The kitchen floor is scrubbed.
I've experimented with a new recipe.
I’ve spent at least one day on the couch watching TV.
I’ve been to the beach.

Always subscribing to the philosophy that you can’t play until your homework is done, I’ve gotten all the drudge work checked off the list. Now it’s time for the TV, the beach and the pile of books.

Here We Are Now Entertain Us

While out for a run this weekend, my friend asked me to recommend some 90's movies. Growing up in a conservative household, she missed out on some of the classics. As we ran, I rattled (panted) off some titles: Say Anything, Singles, Pulp Fiction, but it was only when I got home that I found what I consider to be the ultimate 90's movie in my collection. Of course! How could I have forgotten it? A love letter to the slacker generation featuring a killer soundtrack, a fresh-faced Winona Ryder, an eerie foreshadowing of reality TV and a cameo by 90's rock scion, Dave Pirner!

I proudly delivered Reality Bites to my friend the next day and now I wait anxiously for her feedback. Her husband's opinion was promptly posted on Facebook, "Hm. After watching Reality Bites, I've never been quite so glad to have lived my high school, college and early post-college days in the '00s...nor had I relaized quite how glamorous that time was (at least compared to the '90s)..."

Facebook friends quickly pounced in defense of the 90's. For friends my age, the 90's hold a special place in our hearts.

We remember the 80's, but we were still young enough for our parents to call the shots. No, you can't stay up to watch LA Law. You march right back into that Sam Goody and return George Michael's filthy Faith cassette. Sorry, you're not using your brother's extra ticket for the U2 concert. (Incidentally, Springsteen showed up at that concert and I remain bitter to this day.)

When the 90's arrived, we were old enough to hang out at the mall, to get dropped off at the movies. I suppose those of us who didn't grow up in the city might have even driven ourselves places... We decided where and how our allowance was spent and for that reason, we take ownership of the '90s. Overalls and flannel shirts might have been fashion missteps, but they were steps I took on my own.

I don't regret my music choices in the 90's. The first CD I ever bought, 10,000 Maniacs Unplugged, remains one of my all-time favorites. Last week, I might have gotten a little caught up when I found that one of Eddie Vedder's ukulele songs was the free download at Starbucks. I might have even sung Better Man to the unfortunate college student who was sitting with me.

Oh, the 90's. You brought us Friends. Titanic. Seinfeld. 90210 (the first one). Nirvana. The renaissance of Disney animation. The internet. You spiced up our lives.

We weren't glamorous, we were grungy. We didn't have hope, we had Courtney Love. But give me the choice today and I will still choose a disenfranchised Ethan Hawke over a shiny Russell Crowe. Hmm...it's too bad they don't make Celebrity Death Match anymore.

For I Must Be Travelling on Now...

The third--and, please God, final--installment in the bird saga.

After the HOA contractors’ visit, the mother bird came back around for a while on Friday night. At some point during the weekend, though, she stopped coming. Since I was too scared to open the powder room and because I was spending minimal time outside, I really didn’t know if the little birds had flown off with their mother or if they’d been abandoned and died. I waited for a SMELL, but none crept in.

So Monday afternoon arrived and a gentleman from critter control was already on a ladder out back when I got home from work. He was putting the finishing touches on the vent cover he’d installed. When I asked him what he’d found he said, “A good bit of nesting material, but no birds.”

When I told him about the powder room fan being pushed in, he bravely went in and checked things out. He cleaned the fan, brushed out some beetles and was on his way.

What seems a little strange to me is that he left my powder room full of broken plaster, ceiling popcorn and beetles.













He left the “nesting material” in the pine straw beside my deck. It smelled like a zoo.

I know I should be thankful that the ordeal is over and that the covers will prevent any more avian visitors, but I must say, this was a rather anti-climactic—and messy—end to the story. (Kinda like the fourth Twilight book....)

On the other hand, look at this deck--who wouldn't want to spend some time on it this summer?

And this Bird You Cannot Change

I have a mentor who says things like, "If you want to be a writer, write. Write two pages before we meet next time." Usually I write reflectively about lessons I've learned, but the recent bird encampment has kept me very much in the present. For my meeting with her next week, I have written several pages about the birds--below is an excerpt, since some of you have been keeping up with the saga.

Thursday, May 19

Waiting, humanely, for the birds to grow up and leave the nest. For the first few days, I would head to the deck and hose off the bird poop that accumulated on the deck and my trash cans.

When twice-a-day hosings failed to keep up with the supply of poop (really, it was more like butt puke), I gave up and didn’t venture onto the deck. I kept watchful eye and ear on the deck, though, to discern if the bird family had moved on. All the websites gave a two-week timeline and, since our two-week anniversary was coming up, I was hopeful. I even asked my friends with the pressure-washing business to be on standby to come clean the deck and, hopefully, pull out the empty nest. Optimistic détente prevailed.

Until I used the powder room Thursday afternoon. It was then that I noticed the cover of the bathroom fan was being pushed in. The weight of my unwanted guests was so great that they were about to burst into the powder room. Unthinkable. Unbearable. Straw. Camel’s back. Done.

I grabbed the yellow pages, I Googled, I prayed. I found a nice man who explained the bird-removal process to me and who promised to come by my house on Monday. For an unreasonable fee, he would take the birds away and leave me with a vent clean of birds, nest, parasites and poop. I only had to last until Monday.

It occurred to me that my townhouse has a homeowner’s association that maintains the outside of my house. I wondered if they would deal with the birds and save me some money. I decided to email the HOA manager.

Friday, May 20th

The HOA manager responded to my email very quickly. Though unable to offer me bird removal, she did put in an order to get some vent covers installed for me. I told her that was great, that I would have the birds removed on Monday and then the vent covers could be installed and I would never pass this way again.

When I got home from work on Friday, my trash cans were moved. I went onto the deck and found the covers had already been installed on my vents. Could it be? Did the HOA contractors pull out the nest, cover the vent and leave me bird-free? Without me paying anything? Victory was mine! To be sure, I called the HOA office and spoke to a lovely receptionist who assured me that my call was not the strangest she’d received all week and that the guys surely pulled out the nest before closing in the vent.

Out I went to plant a little tomato plant that I’d been too scared to pot during the week. And as I worked, I heard the familiar “chirp, flap, chirp” coming from the vent. While relieved the birds couldn’t come out while I was on the deck, it was a short-lived sigh, because I realized they were trapped. Soon, there would be dead birds locked in my vent.

A panicked call to the HOA office and the contractors returned—a miracle as it was Friday afternoon.

One climbed up, two watched. From the safety of my kitchen, I asked him to remove the vent cover. He did and reached inside.

“Yep,” he told me, “when I was here earlier I didn’t see nothin’, and I didn’t feel nothin’, so I just covered it up.”

“They’re probably in past where it bends,” contributed the other guy. “Cut your fan on,” he instructed.

“Are you sure?” I asked, “Do you want helmets or goggles?”

Without stepping into the powder room, I opened the door and reached in to turn on the fan.

“Oh my God!” exclaimed the guy on the ladder, “That smells awful!” The other contractors agreed. Besides A SMELL, nothing blew out.

“Probably something dead in there too,” said the helpful contractor on the ground, “But they can’t get in. They’re probably pushed up against the fan, but there’s a flap there so they won’t come in your powder room.”

It’s fair to say I did not trust him. The birds remained, the contractors left.

I spoke to my pressure-washing friend and made an appointment to get an estimate on Monday. I kept my appointment with the pest control guy for the same Monday. I hoped the mother bird wouldn’t abandon her babies since the humans had messed with her nesting area. I kept the powder room closed and my fingers crossed.

Blackbird Singin' in the Dead of Night

If you've known me for any length of time, you are likely aware of how I feel about birds. They terrify me. For some girls, a snake is upsetting. For others, a spider is her undoing. For this girl, it's birds.

My mother and my brother strap on binoculars and go looking for them. They spend time and money on feeders, fancy foods, and squirrel baffles. Why anyone would want to attract birds--that's what baffles me.

At the end of last school year, a bird flew into my classroom. I opened the back door and left. Now, the beasts of the air have come a little closer to home. They have, in fact, come into my home--specifically into one of the vents in the back of my house.

Friday night I was in the laundry room when I heard the tell-tale "chirpy chirpy chirpy" (to use a phrase coined by my friend Laura). I figured they were in the dryer vent and, while revolted, I figured they wouldn't be there long. There were some unpleasant moments for the mama bird and me on Saturday as I was planting flowers in boxes on the deck and as she sat in a nearby tree squawking her dismay. Still, as long as they stayed out there and moved away soon, I was not super-worried.

Until the stench. When I went downstairs on Sunday morning, it hit me like a fist in the nose. I searched the house for its source, emptying trash cans, sweeping floors, only to find it emanating from my empty powder room.

The upside of the bird saga is this--crisis brings people together (crisis might be a little strong for some, but this is me and birds we're talking about). Yesterday morning, worried the stench was the result of something dead in the wall between my house and the neighbors', I was able to talk to my neighbors at-length. In fact, it was one of the neighbors who deduced the birds were nesting in the powder room vent, not the dryer vent. My other neighbor has offered to get me a ladder when the time for nest-extraction comes.

I've lived in this house for six years and it is strange to me that I don't know much about my neighbors. I don't even know the one guy's name! So while I'm less-than-enthusiastic about my unwanted tenants, I am happy to have reasons to talk to the neighbors.

They Told Me He Was Bad

Recently, my high school friends and I have been wrapped up in a debate: Mr. Darcy vs. Mr. Knightley. If you’re not familiar with your Jane Austen, head on over to Wikipedia and get a synopisis of Pride and Prejudice and Emma. I’ll wait.

The debate goes something like this; the girls posit that Mr. Darcy is awesome. He’s proud and haughty on the outside, but deep down he is good and kind. His pride and Elizabeth’s pride make them a dynamic, and ultimately swoon-worthy match. I contend that Mr. Knightley is a more desirable hero. When Emma is behaving badly, he mans-up and tells her about herself. Mr. Knightley makes Emma better. This has led to some lively conversation and some very unfair criticism of Jeremy Northam’s nose.

I think what’s going on, though, is the battle we ladies have been having with ourselves for generations. Good guy vs. Bad boy. Reliable and steady vs. Rebellious and dangerous.

Think about our favorite movie guys…Gee, Joe Fox, I know your conglomerate book store is going to put my humble shop out of business, but I sure do love you. Jason Bourne, you may not know who you are, or why you’re #1 with a bullet, but given the choice between you and the Paris police, I choose you! Oh, Danny Ocean, you only lied about being a thief, and even knowing that you robbed three casinos in one night, I can’t help but wait for you to be released on parole. Again.

Even in the 1930’s, CK Dexter Haven, wealthy, divorced alcoholic, stole the girl from George Kittredge, self-made mining scion. (If you haven’t seen The Philadelphia Story, put it on your Netflix queue. I’ll wait.)

Would Lost have been anywhere near as compelling if all the hot guys on the island weren’t in need of redemption?

And then there’s the worst offender of all, the one who ruined me for sure…John Preston, a man so bad we didn’t even learn his name until the closing scene of the series finale. Mr. Big, emotionally unavailable, model-izer, cheater, “the boy who cried love.” But those faults were far from our minds as we watched him pursue Carrie to Paris and declare, “You’re the one.”

That’s what we’re all hoping for, isn’t it? The declaration of, “I’ve been an idiot. I’ve done bad things, but for you, I will be better.” We want to be the one worth changing for. If it takes us years of heartbreak and drama to get there, so be it.

Maybe, at the root of this love for bad boys, there is a longing for adventure—a desire to be part of a great narrative. And if that is what my young friends are hoping their futures will bring, then I am no one to argue.

Tienes un Amigo en Mi

Once again I find myself doing my movie ticket year-in-review far from the friends who began the tradition with me back in Philadelphia. This morning I pulled my ticket stubs out of my wallet and was shocked that I’d only seen five movies in 2010. While discussing that with a friend later in the day I realized I’d switched wallets midway through the year. A quick check of the old wallet yielded five more ticket stubs. So here are the 9 movies I saw in 2010.

January 1—Up in the Air. Ah, Clooney. Great film, definitely lived up to the hype and the Oscar buzz. And, again, Clooney. He never goes out of style. Up in the Air was the first movie I saw in my quest to see as many Oscar movies as I could.

February 14—Avatar. If it weren’t for the Oscar buzz, my deep love for Titanic, and the friend who got us in for free, I probably would’ve skipped this one. It was fathoms away from Titanic. My favorite critique of this movie called it Dances with Aliens.

February 20—Valentine’s Day. Gary Marshall directing lots of famous people, what’s not to like? Fluffy, forgettable, a fine way to pass a Saturday afternoon.

February 24—Crazy Heart. This is one of those movies that sent me right out to get the soundtrack. Jeff Bridges as a washed-up country star was absolutely deserving of his Oscar. My friend Katy had to point out Colin Farrell. Country music is the last place I look for smoldering Irishmen—and believe me, I do look for them.

May 28—Sex and the City 2. How could the creators of such a smart, funny, sharp series turn out such a rotten movie? My fingers are crossed that this was the “dark” film of the trilogy (like The Empire Strikes Back) and that there is a third installment that will restore Carrie and the girls to their usual class.

June 20—Toy Story 3. My family loved the Toy Story Mania ride in Disney World, so it seemed like a fitting way to celebrate Father’s Day, a trip to see Buzz and Woody on the big screen. There aren’t enough superlatives for this one. At one point, choking on my sobs, I turned to my brother and said, “This has to end!” It was that affecting and that darn good.

July 1—Eclipse. They tell me this is the best of the Twilight movies yet. I honestly couldn’t tell—all I could think about was how tired I was of seeing Rob and Kristen. Taylore Lautner’s abs never get old.

July 2—Toy Story 3. I accompanied my friend and her three-year-old this time. He had never been to a movie and we were very worried about how he’d do with the whole incinerator thing. Surprisingly, the things that upset him most were when Woody lost his hat, when Bullseye stayed behind in daycare and when it was over.

August 17—Inception. Did I understand it? No. Did I enjoy it? Yes. Have I missed Leo? Heck yeah (refer back to Titanic comments). I’m looking forward to a second look at this one on DVD. I also remember this as a sweet occasion—seeing a movie with my friend Anna the night before she left for college.

August 28—Eat Pray Love. My friend Michelle summed it up best: she went around the world to wind up back where she started—being defined by a relationship with a man. There were many things about Liz Gilbert’s story that resonated with me and Julia Roberts is such a movie star, so I did enjoy the movie. I’m just not ready to put Liz on a pedestal as so many other women have done.

Ten trips to the theater, nine movies—doesn’t seem anywhere near my usual total. I blame the Netflix.