Why Be Normal?

This morning was the first meeting of a book club Laura and I formed for women at our church. We read Radical Womanhood by Carolyn McCulley. Simply put, this book presents a history of the feminist movement contrasted with what the Bible says about being a woman.

I went into the meeting with no real expectations. Laura and I had a planning session yesterday during which we brainstormed some discussion questions we could pull out if the conversation lagged. We had questions about what the next wave of feminism might look like, and about the effects of feminism on men. Because Radical Womanhood is not like most of the books you find in Christian bookstores in the women’s section, I was excited to talk about topics Christian women don’t usually talk about—leadership, raunch culture, the 1800’s.

Ten minutes into our discussion this morning and we were talking about the things Christian women always talk about: marriage, children, staying at home vs. going to work. The book definitely invites women to ask questions about their roles as wives and mothers. So even though the “typical” discussion topics of Christian women were warranted by the book, I felt stifled and disappointed when they became the order of the day.

The conversation finally turned when my dear friend Debbie asked what the single women in the room got from the book. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I believe I shared some of the questions Radical Womanhood stirred in me. Do I enjoy my job because God designed me this way, or do I enjoy my job because I am a product of feminist culture? Am I a confident, single woman because it glorifies God, or because of Gloria Steinem?

The gracious women in the room were all very affirming. They assured me that God made me just the way I am. One woman even told me she could see me being a pioneer woman in the 1800’s, raising my seven kids, running my home. (How I would love to pack my wagon and go back in time!) One woman, who joined our group simply because she was in the meeting room when we arrived, asked me why I believe it is hard to be a single, Christian woman. Not knowing me, she sensed that I was content with who I am, and she didn’t understand why I should be having issues within the church. Many ladies chimed their support, talking about different seasons having different advantages and how being single is great, and blah, blah, blah…

But here’s the rub, people I meet in the evangelical church say it’s great to be single and that God has us where we are for a reason, but church culture says something entirely opposite (stop me if you've heard this one!). If Debbie had not turned the tide of our book discussion, we easily would have devoted the entire meeting to issues pertaining to wives and mothers. If there’s nothing “abnormal” about being single in the church, why do church-lady conversations unfailingly wind up centering on marriages and children?

If you look around the church, most women are married and have children. They talk about what they know and what they have in common. What makes it difficult for the single woman desiring fellowship and community is having absolutely nothing from her own experience to bring to the conversations.

The reality is, being single in the church is not normal. But really, who is normal? Everyone in the church has something that causes them to feel separate--education, finances, fertility, etc. What I am learning is that when I isolate myself because I perceive that I am an outsider, I miss out.

Even though it is easy and comfortable to be surrounded by people like us; the real beauty of the Body is getting to experience life with people who are totally different. These relationships challenge us and propel us to growth while showing us various aspects of God’s character and God’s design.

As I sit here waiting for a friend (an empty-nester) to pick me up on the back of her motorcycle, I have to think these different relationships make things more fun too.