I’ve been in a strange place lately—and I don’t mean Milwaukee. I mean, for the past week or so, I’ve cried at least once a day. Thursday’s tears lasted for an entire 30-minute car ride, but most days they’ve only lasted a couple minutes. A friend of mine texted me on Thursday to ask if I was OK (she’d seen me after the teary ride to work) and my response was, “I think I’m getting soft.”
Confidence hasn’t really been a problem for me—except for those two God-forsaken years in middle school. Competence hasn’t really been a problem for me, either, so waking up in the morning, riddled with anxiety and fear, has really taken me by surprise. My usual approach to work and to ministry has been to speak loudly and carry a big stick, but lately, facing my job has shaken me. Add to that the new responsibilities of overseeing my church’s women’s ministry and…oh my goodness…
As awful as these weeks have been, I am not ready to leave this place where I am so acutely aware of my need for a mighty God. The alarm goes off and I want to pull the madras bedspread over my head and hide, but then I start praying, pleading, begging—God, get me through this day. Help me to be good enough for these people I’m working with. Help me not to lose control.
At the end of every day, I’ve been taking stock: There weren’t any brawls. I didn’t say anything hurtful. I accomplished some items on the to-do list. And, more than ever before, I know that those victories did not come about because of my ability or my preparation. They happened because my God took care of me.
It’s a strange thing for me to see God showing up and fighting for me. Of course He has been forever, but the problem with being independent is that I am more likely to give myself credit for the day’s win. Being a useless weakling has stirred in me an incredible affection for this One who steps into my reality and carries me through these days that I simply cannot face on my own.
At some point, my life will become predictable again. Once the tears dry up, I will start believing that it’s my self-discipline or my fancy education that has brought me here. When I overlook the dependence, I will also miss the closeness and the affection. The trick is to stay dependent without being a total mess.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
9 years ago
You just described last spring for me, and did so in a complex, yet comprehendable manner. That is way more than I was capable of at the time (or even now, it seems). Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeletei agree with michelle. you wrote it well. i've struggled with anxiety/depression for all of my adult life. (not the 80s - 'cause YOU know; who could be sad in the 80s - with all that neon and those bangs). one of the FEW good things about those hard times is that reliance - really letting God get you through one thing at a time, one day at a time...if only we could just stay in that dependent stance after things get better, and not take the reins back. BUT i wouldn't wish the hard times on anyone, so i'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteLuv ya! Praying for ya! You can always call me. You know I understand.
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